May 1, 2008 9:21 A.M. Weight: 159.0 lbs.

I missed my 1 year anniversary for starting all of this. I'd have to look back but it was about last Friday. I've had 70 pounds off since then - about 60 of those pounds I've had off and kept off for 5 months now. (Yes, I've only lost 10 pounds in the last 5 months - BUT - I've maintained under my goal weight for 5 months.) See, it's all in how you look at it. I've also gone since that date with exercising very nearly a minimum of 20 minutes 5 days every week. (I've missed that a week or two, I believe.) I'm trying to find some way to infuse some humor to this, however I'm just too dang busy being honest and happy about myself to do so.

A couple days ago I got an e-mail from our surrogacy agency asking me if I had gotten BCPs and started them. Yes, thank you ever so much for giving me your credit card number to use without your knowledge as I have not only purchased and received a month supply of BCPs, but I've been distributing Lupron and PIO and several other fun street drugs out of my home for the past week. Don't worry, I've kept receipts for everything. Or, um, no - I have not spontaneously found and started taking any BCPs. They made the choice that since I'm pretty regular anyway (at least I was before they shot up my system with all sorts of drugs - hopefully that is still the case) they will just forgo the BCPs for me and trust that my system will behave as needed once the egg donor gets on track. I believe that the egg donor was supposed to get her period about the same time that I did with last cycle, so around the end of March. We were baffled at the beginning of April as to what was happening. At this point, now May, one does start to wonder what is going on. We were hoping before the holidays for a Feb transfer. Then all the legal stuff took so long that we were hoping to capture the March/April timeframe. Now I'm basically thinking we're at least into June. The delay is frustrating, to say the least. At least now we're getting to a spring birthday so Paul should be happy about a lower RSV risk for the early days.

Well, I'm happy to announce that there will be no porn spam mail for me!! I DID get in my 5 miles today! The machine even told me I averaged 6 MPH for those 5 miles, however the time was 50 minutes 20 seconds so I know I didn't average 6 MPH. That's OK though because I was aiming for a nice long 5 mile run, not a kill-yourself pushed fast as possible 5 mile run. Now I get to keep running the 5 miles instead of continuing to add .25 miles on each time. I will not lie to you - I do not TOTALLY hate running. There are some moments while I'm going that I feel like I'm flying. Like I'm totally free and grooving to my own montage. (I'm such a dork that it was a Billy Joel song that came on today that had me really moving!) At those times, I feel like I could go forever. The trouble is that as soon as I think "Oh WOW I've hit runvanna." it ends and I'm pushing and struggling to keep going again. I wish that I could spend more time in that state. I wonder - for you runners out there - as you train and get better at it, does that state get easier to attain?

I biked yesterday - real biking - not at the gym. I went from my house, down past where my kids go for daycare, and up around the business area by my house. I was out for about an hour. It is so frustrating to bike around my home because there is nothing for bikes. There isn't even a shoulder on a lot of the places. I even rode past the high school and there was no bike path, shoulder, sidewalk, ANYTHING. That is such a sad statement. It makes me want to go to arms and start a campaign to get more bike friendly streets. I would if I ever had spare time in my life, which I don't. Thus, I'll spend my time whining about it and hope it has the same effect.

April 29, 2008 11:02 A.M.   Weight: 160.0 lbs. 

Two gay guys and a Wiccan walk into a theatre together... OK, I'm not actually Wiccan. Sorry Gerrald Gardner. I think the term 'witch' still applies to us plain old ordinary pagans though. While that line sounds like the start of a joke, it was based on real life events as Paul, James, and I went to see Baby Mama. I have to say, it was actually a really cute movie. Not so much a surrogate movie, as it turns out, but cute none-the-less. The one thing that really irritated me was the points of error or factual impossibility. Paul shocked me by insisting that film incongruities deserve artistic leeway because, dang Paul, YOU saying THAT? I won't ruin the movie for anyone that hasn't seen it by pointing out the things that were wrong. It was interesting that they totally glossed over ALL the humor potential in all the work that is involved in actually getting a gestational carrier pregnant. They did have one scene where the intended parents and the carriers were all in this group therapy thing together. They had one couple that was two gay guys and they had another group where the intended parents were a man and a woman, but the carrier was this goth-looking Wiccan. The guy in that group said that at first he was not so sure about a witch carrying his child, but then he was totally OK with it... unless she cast a spell on him. We had a good old laugh at that one. Haha! Heh..heh... um... moving on.

Speaking of gestational carrier stuff - there's not much news to report. I'm still waiting to know what the heck they want me to do. They had said on CD1 they wanted me to start birth control pills again. They neglected to get me those pills, however, so I'm taking my imaginary ones each morning quite dutifully. I don't know if imaginary ones work the same or not, but I'm totally blaming my weight on them anyway. I can only conclude that our egg donor is still waiting for her period at this point which makes me think that instead of halving her dose of Lupron next time they should, um, not get the Lupron anywhere near her. I'm thinking they should invent a code word for Lupron so she doesn't even hear the word should they happen to bring it up around her. I'm partial to "Holy Monkey Balls This Shit Will Knock Out Your Ovaries" or perhaps "Do You Smell What The Pron Is Cooking?" I asked how long they'd wait before getting a different donor and the agency told me it was up to the clinic and one donor went 4 months without getting a period. Originally when I said "they" I had meant the guys - the dads to be. Wouldn't you'd think it was up to THEM if they didn't want to wait it out with this donor? I'm not sure I'd want too much control sitting in the hands of this particular medical group if it was my family on the line. For that matter, I'm still totally in the dark as to why we are dealing with a fertility clinic in Toronto in the first place. In reading fertility blogs, it appears that some people actually travel HERE, as in, from OTHER places in the world to get TO Minnesota, for our high quality fertility specialists. Cost had been mentioned... but with all the costs of travel, especially with a canceled cycle under our belts, I really don't buy that. I guess anything is possible though. I don't care much because I am excited about the trip, even if it is proving out to be a pain in the ass to have to deal with all the timing things. I'm having a hard time believing that they are going to pull an actual cycle and transfer out of the current state of things by the end of May.

I have to report that while my weight is doing OK - my youngest son has become the baby that ate NY. He is 26 pounds, 10 ounces. That is almost at the 50% mark for his age! He is growing more this year than he did his first year, it seems. While most parents would be celebrating this spurt of biggerness in their almost 2 year old, it is messing with my head. I'll tell you, no matter how many kids you have and how much you think you have it figured out, it really is true, they are all different. Asher and Jessie are probably less than 5 pounds apart at this time. Jessie had a melt down at the table because I didn't sit next to her last night. I finally convinced her that if we sat across from each other we could make faces at each other. This worked out OK but now I'm going to have to convince her that sticking your tongue out at the person across the table from you is not good manners if the queen ever comes to tea. For that matter, neither is all forms of bodily gas noises nor picking your nose.

After two days of utter laziness and down right no good lounging, I finally put in a run today. Stopping just shy of a full 8K, I ran 4.75 miles. According to the display after I walked for probably another minute or so to cool down, my average time was 5.9 MPH. Tomorrow will be a 1 mile day and then Thursday I will (or you will have my permission to send my e-mail address to three(3) known porn sites) run the full 5 miles. If that declaration is not enough to make me do it, I don't know what will. It is funny, while I'm running I alternate between thinking "This isn't so bad, I can make 7 miles." to "OMG I've only just gone 0.03 of a mile, this sucks, my legs are going to buckle under me, I'm dying, is that my right or left arm that shouldn't be hurting like that...?" I do little celebrations at the 1.5, 1.75, 2, 2.25, and 2.5 mile marks ALL saying "Now I'm halfway done!" Hey, if you can't play mind games with yourself, how will you practice? The 160 today was OK. It isn't in the 150s like the week before, but it is also not over what I had on Friday and after this weekend, well, I'll take it and be happy. Besides, those imaginary BCPs are really screwing with my system!

April 25, 2008 9:20 A.M. Weight: 160.0 lbs.

My youngest son is obsessed with cars. It is the first thing he will say in the morning and the last thing at night. He spends the entire drive home from daycare saying "Mommy's car!" "Daddy's car!" over and over. He walks around the house with handfuls of little toy cars. Yes, the boy loves cars. I made the mistake of letting him take a car into the crib with him at night and paid for it by listening to "Vvvvrroomm" and "Mommy's car! Daddy's car!" for the next 2-3 hours before he actually went to sleep. He has a little shirt and overalls outfit that has cars on it and he could hardly contain himself when he wore it. He likes to point out which ones look like Mommy's car and which looks like Daddy's car. Apparently my minivan looks more like a little red convertible than Daddy's truck. That's OK. He has a placemat at the table that has Superman on it and he points to it and says "Daddy!" a lot so we all know his ability to match things up isn't so hot. :) Jessie, on the other hand, points to the monkey 'Boots' that is on Dora's shoulder on her placemat and says "Daddy!" after Asher does his so I'm expecting all AP courses for Jelly Bean once she's in school.

So far this week I've run 13.25 miles! Vvvvrrooooom indeed! That's more than I've ever done in a week, I think. I did 4.5 miles today and 4 on Monday and technically I only ran 3.75 on Wednesday. Then on Thursday I put in 1 mile. I'm not in any pain so that is great. You'd think with all this success, I'd have learned how important stretching is. Sadly, I'm clearly pretty dense as I skipped my stretching this morning in exchange for getting to work at least closer to "on time". You would also think that all that work would mean that I'd be at a new low weight wise. This is also not the case. After my uber 4.5 miles today I was rewarded with another day at 160. Bugger. I am fully using the fact that it is 'cycle day 1' today (YES!) as an excuse. I did not eat anything yesterday that I should not have and frankly, that involved a lot of will power last night. SO - piss off 1-6-0. You're not gonna mess up my day.

My allergies seem to be calming down a little bit due to the colder weather. I'm fully in favor of this, however I know that the colder weather just means it is delaying the inevitable and I really would like to just get it over with. I've made an appointment with an allergist for May 5th. They told me as I scheduled it to not take ANY allergy meds for 5 whole days before going in! HAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh how we all did laugh! Upon recovery, I said... no way. Could I live through it is I were pregnant? Yes. Am I going to just for this appointment? No. They just want to test me for what I'm allergic to and they want to accurately measure the reactions I have. If I have an armada of antihistamines coursing through my veins they won't get the natural reactions. I don't really care. Obviously it is all the seasonal allergy stuff from spring. There is no reason to make me miserable when we can use OTHER clues to finding out what I'm allergic to. Plus, there's the test I had back in high school. Trees, grass, flowers, fur, did I leave anything out? That's what I'm allergic to. Oh, and dust and mold, just to round things out. And Penicillin, as it turns out, but I only know that because of the strep throat I had while I was suffering from the chicken pox in Jr High and they gave me penicillin and I broke out in massive hives. Ya. It was a blast. My immune system and I are TIGHT friends. I don't know what I expect to come from this appointment. I've had appointments with allergists before and nothing has come from it. They told me to take Claritin, which does NOTHING for me. They also told me they couldn't do allergy shots as they wouldn't help. I've never understood this. Who then, exactly, are allergy shots FOR? I'll go though, and I'll whine about my dumb allergies and they'll tell me to buy the newest, latest and greatest allergy drug that costs more than fricking gasoline and then they will glare at me for not listening to the instructions to not take anything for 5 days before coming in. It will all be fun. I'll take pictures.

Weight: 160.0 lbs.

Yesterday I was up (weight-wise) due to eating these veggi-chips while I was working at my computer the day before. ya, they were healthier than normal chips. No, I should not have eaten 3 servings. No, I didn't help things last night. I found this snack called 'veggie bootie'. It is like fake popcorn with spinach and kale or something like that. Ya, also healthier than regular junk food. No, I should not have eaten the 4 serving bag with ~120 calories per serving. I've known for awhile that it is safer for me to put a serving in a bowl and bring that with me. Bringing the bag has brought temptation so I tend to not do it. I guess I wasn't thinking last night. Anyway, I didn't actually eat all that many calories so I know there's plenty of water sitting around so I don't feel quite so pathetic. I also know I'm just waiting on good old "cycle day 1" so I'll use that as my excuse too.

Speaking of that... come ON cycle day 1!! I've had no progesterone shots for a good 24 hours plus at this point. I wonder how long it takes. The agency is talking about putting me back on BCPs again so who knows how long we've got at this point. That is one thing I remember about trying to conceive in the past. The enormity of how long it can take is breathtaking, and that's when it is just the 'natural' way. For me this time around it is a little surreal because the details, the timing, it has very little effect on my life. I mean, I'm not thinking about birthday spacing or age gaps with my kids. I'm not thinking about how long it will be for a major life change to take place. For me, the only real effect is the specific here and now stuff like appointments conflicting with plans in my life. Those are little things. On the other hand, I know very well how the loss of a cycle feels to a family that IS waiting for that major life change. I can feel empathy for the dads that are living this waiting game and while I'm here trying to help, there is nothing I can do to make this go faster.

For my workout this morning, I ran 1 mile and then did the rowing machine for 20 minutes. No one was on the machine today! YAY! I've been noticing that one of Gavin's friend's mom works out at the gym at the same time as me. I don't know if she's seen me but I'd have to think she has. We haven't said hi or anything yet. Why is the social life of adults so weird? Why can't I, an extrovert in the extreme, just go out of my way to go say hi to someone? Why do I get so nervous and self conscious? I think it is weird.

April 23, 2008 9:09 A.M. Weight: 159.0 lbs.

Nature sucks. I know I know, I'm supposed to be a good little pagan and all that but these allergies are horrid. I've always found it ironic that on Earth Day when we should be rejoicing in the wonder that is Mother Earth, I have an overwhelming urge to go on a tree cutting warpath with a chainsaw and a bumper sticker that says "Screw Global Warming" stuck to my ass. My little Benedryls are totally overwhelmed. That's like taking Tylenol for the pain associated with cutting off a limb. I was working from home yesterday due to a case of "ugly eyes" from the swelling and redness and watering weepiness that turns to crusty goo. Gross. Anyway, my desk at home faces this picture window in our bedroom and right outside is a tree. A very lovely tree that I very much enjoy except all day yesterday I would look out and see masses and masses of pollen horking buds. Be afraid, be very afraid. I refused to step even a toe outside. When I let the cat out I hid behind the curtains. Gah! Please let this end soon! Grow you damn leaves, GROW already.

Yesterday marked the first day that I did not take a drug or shot or anything surrogacy related. Now I'm just waiting for my period to show up and then.... well... we don't really know. The egg donor has not yet had her period, from, ya know, ages ago, so we're all just waiting on that. I feel a bit sorry for her with all the pressure. I'm also a tad nervous that I'll catch whatever voodoo she's got going and not get MINE in a few days here. I mean, because, it works that way right? Contagious voodoo?

For the record, I was actually down in weight yesterday. Since I never made it to the gym (ugly eyes don't go to the gym either - especially since that would've meant going... OUTSIDE) I never weighed in on the official scale so I didn't get to record it. Today's weight is due to sodium, I know that. It is harder to eat healthy when you're in the same house as, well, your food, all day. Why is it so hard to just eat a carrot or an apple when you're at home and you KNOW there are crackers and cheese sticks available?

Well, after some time of really pathetic energy levels, I was hoping today would be different. I had a real, live, full on 'rest' day yesterday when I did not work out at all. I got to bed before 10 and set my alarm for 5:15. My plans were slightly foiled when Asher woke up at about 2 yelling for juice. Now, this was annoying but, it was also really cool. He was yelling FOR something with WORDS. He wasn't just crying in his crib. He was saying quite rationally, albeit loud so I could hear, "Mommy, juice!, more juice Mommy!" I love words way better than crying. When I went in there he got all excited and I picked him up and told him I'd sit him in the rocking chair until I came back with the juice. He was fine with that but he wanted his TWO blankets and his moon book in the chair with him. We call the little boy in the moon book "Asher" and it is SOO adorable because Ash will kiss the little boy and say "Goodnight Asher." Anyway, I came up with his cup, we snuggled for a bit while he drank, and then it was back to bed. THEN my alarm got me up at 5:15.

I hate getting up in the morning when I JUST DON'T WANT TO. Anyway, I got up and got ready and I even had my glass of soy milk and I headed out. I gotta admit, I'm still dragging. It could be the allergy pills I'm popping every 3-4 hours. (4-6 hours my ass, I need to find the 'other' allergy pills that I can overlap like I do the Tylenol and the Advil with my babies when they are sick. You never have to deal with one wearing off then.) It could just be the allergies. From what I understand, having your immune system think it is fighting off mutant virulus enemies from hell (AKA pretty little flower pollen) 24 hours a day might just wear you down. At any rate, me and my mutant fighting immune system ran 3.5 miles at 6MPH and then I had to take the speed down a bit. After just a few seconds running at 5.5 MPH I wasn't feeling just right so I walked for a bit. I did bring it back up to 5.5 and finished off that last mile for 4 miles total. It is possible that just the concept of running 7 miles with my friends on the 17th is really freaking me out. I can tell though that I actually enjoy running a LOT more at 5.5 MPH than I do at 6.

I'm having to restrain myself a great deal in the locker room. You see, there are a lot of pregnant women in there. A lot. Now I've gone through a lot of different phases in my life where seeing other pregnant women has invoked a wide variety of feelings in me. Right now, it makes me anxious. I am torn between blurting out to them that they should find out if their medical care does cord insertion checks as a standard practice or not and if not, they should ask for it - or just not saying anything. Pros to not saying anything? I don't have to be "that" woman. You know, the one that tells pregnant women scary things and should really just mind her own business. Cons? What if. Just what IF that baby needed me to speak up for it and not doing so allowed that baby to die just like Anily? I don't WANT to scare pregnant women. I don't want to be that person. I know though, that if you don't ask for a cord insertion check you are just playing a game of roulette with your baby's life hanging in the balance. The really sad part is that most pregnant women don't KNOW this. They TRUST the medical professionals to be doing everything they need to for this baby. They would never in a million years think that there was a deadly, known pregnancy complication that is easily diagnosed and dealt with, that many medical establishments do NOT check for as a standard of care. It is cheaper, you see, for insurance companies, to play the odds and let a few rare babies die than to have EVERY pregnant woman get checked. How much cheaper? I don't know - but that is the dollar amount on Anily's head. So if I say it, that woman will think I'm a nut at best or a very evil, sad little person that needs to not let pregnant people just be happy in letting their body do what comes naturally at worst. She may or (more likely) may NOT actually ask about the check. If she does, and nothing is found, she'll have confirmed that I'm a nut. If something IS found though - and that baby is born alive - It would all be worth it. Conversely, if I don't say anything, sure I get away without anyone planning to coat my bra in itching powder then I'm not looking. But that same WHAT IF is there. Would I even know? Would she come into the gym crying? Probably not. We'd just stop seeing her. Still though - a baby could die and I could've stopped it but I didn't because I didn't want to be rude. Seems a little pathetic. When it was closer to Anily's death, the telling won over. I spoke up each time. Now though, I don't. I just stay quiet. Is that right? I don't know. My guilt says it is not. Would YOU speak up?

April 21, 2008 9:20 A.M. Weight: 159.0 lbs.

Today's workout is brought to you by Benedryl. Well, actually my ability to do anything at all is probably thanks to the antihistamines that are coursing through me right now. The awe-inspiring drowsiness is probably more thanks to the allergies in the first place. This is the first year that I've gone through a non-pregnant/nursing spring in a long time. I've forgotten how easy it is to get so hooked on those allergy meds when I'm allowed to take them. Hey, really, what's one more drug to the mix at this point, right? I will say, if there is any kind of silver lining to the canceled cycle, it is my ability to walk around NOT wanting to scratch out my red puffy goopy looking eyes. Thankfully, once everything 'springs' I'll be able to go back to my histamine blocker free state. Hopefully I won't be at risk for falling over asleep as I walk down the hall at work as well.

As my alarm went off this morning, I took a long time getting out of bed. Then I took a long time getting out the door. Then I sat in my car in the gym parking lot trying to convince myself to get out and work out. I bargained that if I promised to go for at least the full 3 miles and hopefully more, I could run at 5.5 MPH. That did it because I got out of the car and into the gym. One wonders, at times like these, does working out at a slower pace bring you backwards in your training for trying to run faster, or does it still improve your running - just not as fast as it would improve your running if you had pushed yourself more? Well, I ended up doing 4 miles. The first 3 at 5.5 MPH and the last one I pushed to 6.0 MPH.

I was not terribly happy with my weight today, but I'll take it. My scale at home gave me a 160 and didn't even have a very good BF% which I usually get if I'm heavier due to water issues. Sunday wasn't a terribly healthy eating day for me so hopefully this is just from that and will resolve itself as my normal foods come back into play. Gavin had a little friend sleep over Sat night and I have to say it was interesting to see my kid's eating habits in comparison to this boy's. For dinner we had this curry rice chicken dish with onions and carrots in it. I'm pretty sure we had another veggie too, but I can't remember right now. Anyway, this was a new dish that I tried out of the cookbook and all three of my kids ate it without comment. SCORE on that front! LOL! The little sleep over friend had issues because it wasn't hamburger helper like he has at home and wouldn't eat it. He also poured salt all over the whole thing and said he liked to use lots of salt at home. The next morning I made eggs and turkey sausages and put out cereal. He really liked the eggs, and ate some of the sausages. He didn't want to try our organic cereal. Then for lunch I decided to go simple because I wanted him to eat (and I was dragging already from the allergies. It was a GREAT day but at this time of year, there are drawbacks to that.) I asked if they'd like peanut butter and jelly or grilled cheese. They wanted peanut butter and jelly (duh) but sleep over boy didn't want any peanut butter. Sandwiches made, green beans steamed, and raisins distributed, I called the kids to lunch. Gavin was so excited to see the green beans. Sleep over boy asked what smelled like puke. Nice. I can only hope that my children are as politely restrained when visiting other people's houses. (I think maybe I'm glad I don't know some things Gavin has said.) He then ate a few bites from each sandwich so as to not get anywhere near the offensive crust area and left the rest of the food on his plate untouched. I don't get the crust thing. Bread crusts, to me, don't actually taste any different than the rest of the bread but even if it did - there is no way in the world that I would train my kids to expect the crusts cut off. I yell at people when they do that to my kids' food before giving it to them. Hmm, I just realized that in white bread the crust is actually different than the rest of the bread. I hadn't though about that. Not that my kids know bread comes in that variety. Well, anyway, I'm afraid that boy left our house that day having not eaten much. It was certainly offered though. I'm so glad my kids don't turn their noses up at food with textures and tastes and varieties beyond hamburger helper and white crustless bread. Then I was thinking... as parents, we take our time to instill values and behaviors that we find important. Thus, when we observe other children that were raised by parents that also taught what THEY find important, we are judging them based on our own criteria. Chances are, when Gavin is over at someone else's house, their parents are wondering why my son was raised in a barn when he leaves his coat and shoes on the floor in the entryway and hacks through their password on their computer. They are probably never once impressed by the fact that he finds steamed fresh veggies of just about any kind terribly yummy and will eat salmon with gusto.

Sleep over boy should've stuck around for dinner. My husband deep fried fish sticks, chicken nuggets, and fries. At least to my credit they were purchased from the hippie co-op natural foods store brands.

Well, yesterday we did end up going on that walk. Once I got Asher down for his nap, I asked Jessie if she'd like to go on a walk with me and she jumped at the chance. I told Kris we were going and Gavin (who was outside at the fire pit with Dad burning pretty much anything those two could find to burn) jumped at the chance to go too. This shocked me because - ya know - fire was the alternative. Gavin got on his bike so of course, Jessie wanted to ride HER bike. We put the stroller back and got the bike. Then Gavin asked if we could go up to Dairy Queen. Not exactly what I had in mind, but ya, OK. We went the long way around and I got in a 30 minute walk before reaching DQ. Part of that was with me in heart attack land because of my son, his bike, and high traffic areas. We REALLY need better bike path options up in Andover because that is scary! The kids got drippy melty ice-cream treats and I sat with them not eating. Then Gavin got something to drink (sugar-laden frosty type thing) and another cup to share it with Jessie. Hey, at least I'm well rounded when it comes to food for my kids, right? We sat outside enjoying the sun and warmth and self-cleaning floors for a bit and then headed home. This was Jessie's first outing beyond the driveway with her bike. She did really well! I didn't have to walk really slow to keep pace with her and she never once complained about anything. I was very impressed. Especially on the way back home when I could hear her breathing really hard and she wasn't talking to me so much as she pushed to peddle her hardest. She would go fast enough that I'd have to jog a bit to keep up and she'd yell at me to WALK MOMMY, WALK! I think she wanted to beat me. Competitiveness in the genes, huh? When we got home she put on a jacket because it was cooling off a bit and spent more time outside at the sandbox and in the swings. Boy - pushing kids in swings should have some cardio value to it. Her and Ash had me out there pushing them for probably 3 hours yesterday. At bedtime when I had the little ones washing hands and faces and everything I found out that Jessie's arms got pretty badly sunburned. OH, BAD MOM! I never would've thought it was nice enough or that we were out long enough for that but clearly, we were. I felt so horrible. She didn't notice or care. I'm hoping it faded a lot today. It was just the very tops of her forearms - from holding them in the same position on her bike, I'm assuming. Nothing like baking your kid to make you feel like a champion parent.

So, everyone is asleep at night and I ask Kris to help me with my shot. 2nd to last one! He puts up a big fuss about how he can't do it right then and proceeds to ignore me while talking to the dorks in his computer game. Not even enough attention to discuss with me when he COULD do it. It was late, I was tired and wanted to sleep. I fumed and went upstairs and gave myself my own shot in my damn butt all by myself. Kris came up part way through, which I kinda figured he would - that man is all bark but when it comes down to it, he usually DOES pull through. It'd just be nice if he wouldn't refuse to do it and give no inkling that he has any intention before hand. He asked if he could help and I ignored him. Yes, that's right, piss me off and I'll show YOU! I'll stick myself with a big old needle and not let you help at all. Anyway, it was really pretty easy so - whatever. The only thing I couldn't do was pull up on the syringe to make sure there was no blood and that I hadn't hit a vein - but the odds of that are pretty low and even if I had, it'd just hurt more - I think I'd have noticed that. Once I was done though - OMG did it bleed! I've never seen a needle stick bleed that much! I ended up taping some gauze to my butt and that took care of it. One scalding hot pack of corn wedged between my butt and the chair back and I was ready for some internet browsing before bed. Yes, I have learned that I need to inflict 4th degree burns on myself in order for there to be NO PAIN at all the next day. Anything less than that and the effect is not complete. Today will be the last day of these shots - for this round at least. Then I think I get to go back to the Lupron shots. These are a lot easier to do as it is just a tiny needle into the flab of my belly. You know - I've never been weird about needles - but I did used to look away when they'd put in a needle for an IV or for blood donation. I don't think that will be a big deal anymore.

May 20, 2008 4:15 P.M. Weight: 157.0 lbs.

I've had a tiring 24 hours. Well, work wasn't bad yesterday so that wasn't really a big deal, although we had 4 'emergencies' that needed to be fixed before 9 AM. I LOVE grabbing my cell phone after my shower at the gym in the morning only to find out that I got called while enjoying my nexus deep moisturizing conditioner and having all the blood rush to my head as I bend in half to shave my legs. If no one answers my cell, they call my boss - which is great. I know, I know, he doesn't get mad or anything. I'm not expected to bring the phone into the shower with me. They've actually said that I'm going to be downgraded to a pager but my manager is trying to axe that plan.

I finish work and head out to watch Sex And The City with my friends. You may be shocked to hear that I've never watched this series before so we've been watching every show from every season before the movie comes out. I find the show amusing enough but really I just want to spend the time with my friends. We stayed up WAY too late and to whomever I cut off when I realized at the last second that I was in the exit lane and didn't want to exit last night at 1:30AM - I whole heartedly apologize. You will never see me do it again... or if you do... you won't remember that it was me.

As mentioned, Jeanette showed me how to give myself the PIO shot in my thigh. Big fun! She had some smaller needles to use with my thigh and she heated up a smaller bag of corn for afterwards. The only difficult part of it was getting up the nerve to put the needle in my thigh. The great thing about the butt shots is that *I* don't have to do them. I was nervous that if I went too slow I wouldn't get it in through the skin and if I went too fast, well, let's just say I'm not a wiz at darts. I was envisioning putting the needle through the hand that I was holding the skin tight with or something like that. I ended up erring on the slow side which is good because that needle slid in like butter. No pain at all. I emptied the syringe of the stubborn oily contents and hot packed my leg for much of the rest of the night. Easy as pie. I was really only concerned that it would hurt later.

I got to sleep from about 2AM to 5AM when Asher started making noises. I went and got some juice (because I'm a horrible mommy) and some crackers (who likes to bribe her kids) and went into his room. He had fallen back to sleep while I was getting those things so I just put them in his crib in case he felt like waking me up later. Then I got to sleep until 8 when Jessie and Asher woke me up. This time I whined until Kris got up to take care of them but at this point it was moot because I was up and they knew I was home. I could either get up and take care of them or lay in my room listening to Asher pound on my door and cry OR lay in my bed while Asher climbed on my head and said "Mommy sleep" over and over and over. I'd like to point out that my thigh really didn't hurt at all. I could feel it a little but it was nothing to stop big, tough, mighty mighty me.

Kris had to leave around 11 for some army work but he was coming back in just a couple of hours. I played with the kids, did some laundry, and made them some lunch. Then it was nap time. I'm in LOVE with my son. I mean, I normally would be but this boy is the worlds best sleeper. I know, I'm tempting the gods by writing this but hopefully I'll get through OK. You put him in his crib, even when he REALLY doesn't want to and is filling out complaint forms the entire way there and threatening to stiff me on the tip, and he still just lays down and goes to sleep when you shut the door. The REALLY amazing thing? He can get in and out of his crib in the blink of an eye and open and close his bedroom door just fine all on his own. All the same, this little angel just lays down and goes to sleep. I AM SO LUCKY!

I went downstairs because Jessie was asking me to turn on Calliou for her and Kris came home so I headed out to the gym. I kicked massive butt at the gym. OK, not really. I barely made it through my normal 3 mile run. I was so beat I hit 1.5 miles and was ready to stop. I also had to pee which - note to self - never EVER let the words "I could probably wait" convince you to not pee if you think there is even a possibility you might need to before running. I know marathoners think it is OK to just pee in your pants while you run but try that on the treadmill in the gym and nobody thinks that is normal. I just wasn't expecting it to be so hard today. It is very disappointing when I've been running over 3 miles but I think perhaps I've been putting in a lot for a lot of days and it might be time for a break day. My last one was last Sunday. The only thing is that I want to get in the time to get the points on that introplay site. (Yes, competitive as ever, I am.) Still, I'm not doing anyone any favors by making myself so tired. A good night's sleep would also have helped, of course. We'll see how I'm feeling tomorrow and how the weather is. Maybe a nice walk outside with the family would be enough of a workout. What are the odds I can make my husband go out and walk with us?

Weight: 158.0 lbs.

Hmm, I don't think it was the "not enough calories" concept. Yesterday there was a retirement party here at work and I think the Hohos were really going a bit far. Not as far as the giant inflatable whipped cream filled slide outside, but we really wanted to send Betty off in style. Waste of a perfectly good opportunity for chocolate, if you ask me. I know I didn't eat 3600 extra calories at any rate so I'm assuming the whole increase wasn't due to that, but I can take some responsibility.

Tonight I'll be heading over to my friend's house so I packed up my drug supplies. Jeanette told me she'd show me how to give myself a shot in my thigh so I have that to look forward to. Wish me luck as I've heard that it can be quite painful in that location.

I walked into the gym not really knowing what I was going to do this morning. I had run yesterday so I figured it would be something different. I decided though that I'd like to get to the point where I'm running a little each day at least so I put in a mile. Because a mile is so puny, I wanted to make it a FAST mile. I started out at a very delusional 8.0 MPH. This is a 7-something minute mile pace. In Jr High, when I was tiny and scrawny, I could run a 7-something mile. For the very briefest of moments, while doing this, I actually could REMEMBER what it felt like to run like that. I was taken back to those days and thought about running this track in the woods for our 1-mile cross country meets. That ended when I noticed I was about to fall off the back of the treadmill. I grabbed the bar and pulled myself up to the front so I could slow it down a bit. I did keep myself at 7.0 MPH or faster for the mile - making an 8-something minute mile - I also learned that when you run that fast, people don't like to use the machines next to you. That might also have had something to do with the fact that I was wearing the same sports bra and top from yesterday though.. not sure on that one. I prefer to think they were intimidated by my awe inspiring form and grace.

After that I finished off my half hour on the elliptical machine. I'm in this workout - competition thing where you get points for what you do. Too bad they assign running points based on your own assumption of "vigorous" or "light" instead of speed or distance. Anyway, I feel like I'm falling massively behind on the amount of exercise I'm putting up. I only get 6-9 points per day vs the 20+ that some people are getting. My only thing is, it is based on time and while I push the intensity, my time is pretty constant. I just can't afford much more out of my day. Don't think it hasn't occured to me, just from my competative nature, to take a sick day from work to just hang out in the gym and work out. Heck, even without this contest I've considered really buckling down and growing biceps the size of watermelons and saying things like "Dude, I only spent 4 hours in the gym yesterday and I just felt SOO lazy." Ahhh, the life of a TBL rancher. I know that I can't though. Family, work, life, and yes, a little bit of "I'd rather sit on my computer at night" have to do with that. All things considered though, this contest is the first time I've felt like I wasn't measuring up to my standards. It is harder to be a little fish in a big pond than it is to be a big fish in a small pond. Maybe I'll just be a happy fish and not worry about the size of the pond.

1) Maybe the holidays? Maybe, (chocolate) for whatever reason (chocolate) totally unknown (chocolate) to me, (chocolate) Valentines Day (lots of chocolate) and Ostara (more chocolate) teamed up to keep me from (chocolate) losing any weight even with all my working out.

2) Honey. I know this sounds weird, but I stopped putting honey in my tea during that time to try and cut back on the calories so I just drank unsweetened tea. As soon as I started putting the honey back in, the weight started changing again. Maybe there's some secret 'bee-like' magic to it. Regardless, if my butt turns yellow and sprouts a stinger it will ALL be worth it.

3) More calories. I have often heard that if you don't eat enough calories, your body won't have the strength to keep your metabolism up and lose weight. Now, it is hard for me to imagine that I've been slacking on the 'eating crap' category but I know that the day before I had that big loss to 157 I had stopped at a coffee shop and gotten my beloved Camp Fire Mocha. Yesterday, the day before my jump to 156, I had gotten a BK (I know! What the heck is wrong with me?) egg and cheese breakfast sandwich. Now - those are both things that I adore and I do not have very often at all. The last time I had a fast food breakfast sandwich was, um, last fall sometime. The last time I got a mocha was, um, also last fall I think? Maybe more recent. Also, for the mocha I made them only fill a small cup (only came in med or large so I had to pay for the medium), use skim milk, no whipped cream, and decaf coffee. I'm assuming the people in the coffee shop thought I was a nut case because I DID get the mini marshmallows (hello heaven) and the chocolate (chocolate) shavings. I wish there was a way to put chocolate on a fast food breakfast sandwich.

4) Last but not least, just 'cause. No reason at all. Same reason sometimes the weight doesn't want to go, sometimes it does. I haven't REALLY been doing much different and I've seen a pattern before with holding steady and then a nice drop. It seems that the holding steady parts are more often and staying longer and the drops are not as big these days but you do have to expect that.

Now at 156, I FINALLY get to get out of the corner of lockers. 157, 158, 159, and 160 are all nestled into the corner of the walls and rather difficult to get at. On the bright side, no one was using them so it eliminated the embarrassing requirement of me taking people's stuff and moving it to a different locker if they dared to use mine before I got there.* On the down side, ya, stuck in the corner. But now I'm OUT! YAY!

I did running today. I got in 3.5 miles at 6.2 MPH. For those of you keeping track, that is .25 of a mile more than the last run. I also felt a lot stronger with this run so I maybe could've gone longer but I sometimes do acknowledge that I'm not a deity (sometimes, not very often) and have to train reasonably so that I don't injure myself. In the lines of non-mortal thinking, however, I have completely stopped doing my knee exercises in exchange for the stretching that seems to really help. Also, stretching is EASIER than the exercises. That is really the main reason I'm doing that instead. I did stretch out before and after the run today and I noticed that after the run I was much more limber (note, not lumber, like normal.) I was not only able to grab my foot solidly with my same-side hand, but I could reach over from the other side and touch the tips of my fingers to my toes. Not bad for a 2 by 4.

* No, for crying out loud, I never actually MOVED people's stuff. Cripes. I just spit on them so they'd NEVER DO THAT AGAIN.